Parental Instincts Fan Gifts

'As near as I can figure something bad happened and they're both in on it.'

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

Sperm Whale.

Baby, baby maker

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

Prepper Dog

"It's another e-mail from your folks. You know, this would be a whole lot easier if you'd just tell them about the Web."

Baby in Trunk.

'I'm really tired of hearing about her pious children, the angel food cake.'

"Here are all of my dependents."

Funny how moms know when you're going to do something naughty at the exact time you're doing it.

'Pack your things we're moving.'

"Isn't that adorable?"

"My dad doesn't nag me enough about going to college."

'Miss Harrison said it's a better report than the ones you used to get when you were in her class.'

BABY (arrow pointing to belly) BEER (arrow pointing to belly).

"You cheated on the assignment and got an A? Glad to see you've learned a useful life skill."

"He's two onths old and already drooling at a four-month-old level."

'That's a birthmark, Billy. The doctor gave it to me when you were born.'

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the colostrum?"

'Oh, don't even think about living life vicariously through me!'

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

"Mum.... I need to poo."

"Congratulations! It's a doctor!"

"Accepting the applause for Mr. Fontana—Mr. Fontana's mother."

Whatever you do, don't ask him about his children… God's wallet.

"Okay...seriously...it's nothing to worry about, Dad."

'That's a great first effort, kids, but let's try using the napkins from the pantry.'

"This meeting was called in order to discuss the meat. It has been pointed out that there is no more meat. A motion has been made to fight over the bones."

'It says 'Take 3 tablets a day'. More helpfully it says 'Keep away from children'...'

'Hello? Roadside assistance? Yes, can you please send someone?'

'Well, my Dad doesn't care how big you are, Mr. Jones. He'll still knock your block off!'

'That's nothing son: You should have seen me blowing down the little pigs' houses...'

"You weren't so hung up on my chastity."

'How many times do I have to tell you? Go and wash your trunk before dinner!'