Parental Adversary Gifts

"The second I turn 16 I'm joining a conservative political party and then I'll be able to do whatever I want!"

"I got 30 likes but Mom's was not one of them."

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

Yummy Mummies

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"It's all significantly less impressive once you realize these guys had free child care."

"Hold it right there! Our legislature is currently considering new measures to protect children from the insidious ravages of cell phones in schools!"

'From what you describe, it looks like it's my dad who has the Maternal Instinct...'

"I don't want you swimming in the ocean -- it's a toilet that hasn't been flushed in 4 billion years."

"Daddy's still up - I can see him loading his shotgun."

The Supreme Court, Juvenile Divisio: "As usual, the obvious precedent for this case is the children v. Mommy."

"My father would never let me marry a boy with a combover."

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

"Looks like Dad has finally given up on trying to beat us at chess."

'Don't take it too hard, Dad, Mr. Hodes down the street is just having a great year.'

"You can't come out and play because you have to tidy your room? Man, it's time you cut the apron strings."

Kitchen Appliances Fed Up With The Baby.

'I made this Valentine's card for you in school, mom. What the world needs is more love, and less homework.'

Smacking Machine.

'Bring your birth certificate when you pick me up - My Dad will want to see it.'

"Hi, Honey—what achievements today?"

"Zach is in the gifted-and-talented-and-you're-not class."

'Now that I'm old enough to watch these TV shows without parental supervision, they don't interest me.'

"Two months with this and they blow their preschool entrance exams right out of the water."

'Sixty eight seconds. Pretty weak, Dad.'

"Dylan needs a classroom where I don't have to talk to any of the other mothers."

'Your father kicked in the screen and threw the set out the window. He feels violence on TV is a bad influence.'

"It's my youth, and I don't have to enjoy it if I don't want to."

'But Mummy, why can't he sleep over? I slept over at his place last week...'

Hey, no penalty! Are you blind? That 10 year old was asking for it!

"Here's your prescription, Dave. And I take it you'll be cancelling your date with my daughter?!"

'Sure he's cute, smart and athletic. But my parents would approve of him and that wouldn't work for me.'

"My mom was cold."