Paranoid Pals Gifts

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

No Immediate Danger

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

"Please don't kill me."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Finally, Miss Big-Shot calls her dead mother!"

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

Conspiracy Cat

"The penicillin looks good."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"Let's bury the TV remote and all the cell phones, then sit back and watch what happens."

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

Then, after a brief silence, things turned ugly,

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

'Don't open that attachment!'

'It's finished, my masterpiece - wait...'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

'I'm minding it for a friend.'

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

'All the demons chipped in to get Satan a gag gift for his birthday.'

But alas, it was only Grandpa Otis and his signature, 'Pull my feather,' prank.

Waiter is about to give diner the Turkey Surprise dinner.

"You don't need to come in for any more check-ups . . . we can get most of your personal information off Facebook."