Paranoid Partner Gifts

'Phyllis! Thank heaven! I was beginning to imagine something terrible had happened to the car!'

"Another one so relaxed, she couldn't walk out of here."

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

No Immediate Danger

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

Conspiracy Cat

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

Data Extraction Social Media Theme Park

"The penicillin looks good."

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

'Don't open that attachment!'

'With all the cars being stolen these days, I went out and bought the strongest security system I could afford.'

I rented a car from Hertz the other day, and there was a camera in it. Really? Someone forgot their camera? No, I mean in the dashboard. There was a little camera pointed at me. I have no idea who or what was watching me. Maybe it was Hertz. Maybe it was the NSA. Maybe it was for American Idol auditions. To cover all my bases, I sang the Star-Spangled Banner the whole drive. I'm never renting from Hertz again.

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

"Look, it's just a cold. . . ok?. . . It is not, I repeat, not! The Coronavirus."

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

"You don't need to come in for any more check-ups . . . we can get most of your personal information off Facebook."

'I've prescribed Anti-Depressants - you'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid!'

"Neighbors say you saw a movie that featured someone critical of the government's corona measures. You better come with us."

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"

What's wrong with me? I'm sure it's nothing. What's nothing? Absolutely nothing to worry about. "I'm sure it's nothing" are the evilest words in medicine!!! That's actually true.

You can put an end to all your phobias by investing in the germ and radiation proof 'kiddysafe'.

Conspiracy Theory Convention. Doesn't it worry you that someone went to so much trouble to get us all in the same place at the same time?!