Paranoid Programmer Gifts

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

No Immediate Danger

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

Conspiracy Cat

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"The penicillin looks good."

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

'I'm not a guru. I just came up here until the ebola scare goes away.'

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

Things You Should Know About...

'Don't open that attachment!'

I rented a car from Hertz the other day, and there was a camera in it. Really? Someone forgot their camera? No, I mean in the dashboard. There was a little camera pointed at me. I have no idea who or what was watching me. Maybe it was Hertz. Maybe it was the NSA. Maybe it was for American Idol auditions. To cover all my bases, I sang the Star-Spangled Banner the whole drive. I'm never renting from Hertz again.

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

'Every friend is a potential security breach.'

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

"You don't need to come in for any more check-ups . . . we can get most of your personal information off Facebook."

'I've prescribed Anti-Depressants - you'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid!'

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"

"Neighbors say you saw a movie that featured someone critical of the government's corona measures. You better come with us."

"I filled your pool with anitbacterial soap. It's just until the swine flu alert is over."

What's wrong with me? I'm sure it's nothing. What's nothing? Absolutely nothing to worry about. "I'm sure it's nothing" are the evilest words in medicine!!! That's actually true.

"Yes, it's a sprinkler system, but it's not water. It's antibacterial soap. It is flu season."

You can put an end to all your phobias by investing in the germ and radiation proof 'kiddysafe'.