Paranoid Parent Gifts

Boy wearing hat saying: 'Caution - may contain nits.'

Did you finish your homework? Ungh

'Stay on the line while Mummy reads you the Report.'

"You two are awfully quiet. I don't like the sound of that!"

"I know you're anxious about the sun but he really will be OK with factor 50."

No Immediate Danger

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

"Please don't kill me."

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

Conspiracy Cat

"The penicillin looks good."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

Eskimo pram

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

'Don't open that attachment!'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

I rented a car from Hertz the other day, and there was a camera in it. Really? Someone forgot their camera? No, I mean in the dashboard. There was a little camera pointed at me. I have no idea who or what was watching me. Maybe it was Hertz. Maybe it was the NSA. Maybe it was for American Idol auditions. To cover all my bases, I sang the Star-Spangled Banner the whole drive. I'm never renting from Hertz again.

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

'I've prescribed Anti-Depressants - you'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid!'

What's wrong with me? I'm sure it's nothing. What's nothing? Absolutely nothing to worry about. "I'm sure it's nothing" are the evilest words in medicine!!! That's actually true.

"I filled your pool with anitbacterial soap. It's just until the swine flu alert is over."