Paranoid Parent Gifts

Boy wearing hat saying: 'Caution - may contain nits.'

'Stay on the line while Mummy reads you the Report.'

"You two are awfully quiet. I don't like the sound of that!"

"I know you're anxious about the sun but he really will be OK with factor 50."

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

No Immediate Danger

"Please don't kill me."

Trust

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

Conspiracy Cat

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"The penicillin looks good."

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

Eskimo pram

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

'Don't open that attachment!'

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

'I've prescribed Anti-Depressants - you'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid!'

"I filled your pool with anitbacterial soap. It's just until the swine flu alert is over."

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"

"Neighbors say you saw a movie that featured someone critical of the government's corona measures. You better come with us."

You can put an end to all your phobias by investing in the germ and radiation proof 'kiddysafe'.

Gordon suspected the garden gnome didn't like him.