Paranoia Punster Gifts

'Well doctor, is it serious?'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

"Sometimes I bark at nothing."

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

'I had a very unhappy egghood....'

Math Jokes

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

'I think therefore I ham.'

"Can you give me some sort of metaphor for how you're feeling?"

...Isolated clumps of strange matter pop briefly out of the quantum foam to debate the possible existence of particle physicists.

'Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?'

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

Since you conduct only thought-experiments, we were hoping you would, from time to time, come up with some thought-results.

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

"No thanks. I'm not interested in being the, 'official prophet of the NFL.'"

'I can't remember why I came here either.'

"My eyes feel heavy. Does that mean I'm taking in too much eye candy?"

"Operator, I'd like to make a person-to-person call, and I'd like to reverse the roles."

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'