Paper Shop Regular Gifts

The eighty-five year old half-blind man that always ran the paper shop had taken his first day off in thirty-five years'

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Rump roast?"

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Yep, I've read this chapter before."

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

I wish I'd had the review.

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

"And would you like flies with that?"

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

Prawn Cocktail Please

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'