Pantry Planner Pillows

"I hope you're not using any of the canned food I so diligently stockpiled.

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'Like death by salad.'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

Babies.

"Ok, ok, we'll travel back to dinnertime one more time, but then it's my turn to choose."

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

Bad gifts

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

"We're out of today's soup, but you can have tomorrow's soup from yesterday which is the same as today's."

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

"That's the door to the gym, past all the snack machines."

"To help illustrate our sales plan I have created a pie chart."

'After you ask him for the pony, ask him to pay for your college education.'

'This is boring. This uterus could sure do with a fast forward button.'

'Good news dear, the doctor says we're going to have twins.'

'I'm in the mood to cook!'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

'Before you order, perhaps you'd like to discuss your food issues with our eating therapist.'

"No dear- I said I was going to buy you a big PROPER TEA!"

A day at the FULL CIRCLE RANCH

"I promise you. One day granite kitchens will be the in thing."

"I always ask for a pony for my birthday. I find it gives the most bargaining room."

"Are we there yet?"

"I hate to be a dream snatcher but your baby is going to be just average."

'I put an app on your computer to remove cookies and other thins slowing it down. It's like fiber for your computer.'

"I'm here to warn you, do not eat both slices of cake – you're going to want one tomorrow."