Pantry Planner Gifts

"I hope you're not using any of the canned food I so diligently stockpiled.

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

School Cafeteria. It's the start of the school year. The Geometry teacher will come by to verify that we're serving truly square meals. The grammar teacher says the alphabet soup is runny and needs some punctuation added. History teachers keep a record of all the past meals and so will notice any leftovers being served. And the computer lab staff expressed concern about all the cookies so the astronomy teacher suggested switching to candy for dessert. I'll bet she thinks Starburst and Milk

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'Like death by salad.'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

Babies.

"Ok, ok, we'll travel back to dinnertime one more time, but then it's my turn to choose."

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

Bad gifts

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

"We're out of today's soup, but you can have tomorrow's soup from yesterday which is the same as today's."

"That's the door to the gym, past all the snack machines."

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

"I'm putting you on a high fiber low taste diet."

"To help illustrate our sales plan I have created a pie chart."

'After you ask him for the pony, ask him to pay for your college education.'

'This is boring. This uterus could sure do with a fast forward button.'

A day at the FULL CIRCLE RANCH

'I'm in the mood to cook!'

'Before you order, perhaps you'd like to discuss your food issues with our eating therapist.'

"No dear- I said I was going to buy you a big PROPER TEA!"

'Good news dear, the doctor says we're going to have twins.'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

"I promise you. One day granite kitchens will be the in thing."

Praying for a goal assist.

Remain calm, we need to talk. We don't want to alarm you. Run for your life! Oh boy. The economic news is not good. It's apocalyptic. We both lived through the depression. More like barely survived. We're seeing parallels -- lack of government investment, no-tax policies ... Fire, disease, bad cellphone coverage ... You're enjoying this too much. you said I could. Spend cautiously, Rudy. Have a back-up plan. Sell your gadgets, buy canned goods. Oh boy.

"I always ask for a pony for my birthday. I find it gives the most bargaining room."

"Are we there yet?"

'... I'll take the handoff to the tailback, then give the ball to my stunt double here, and he will dive head-first into the end zone.'

"I'm here to warn you, do not eat both slices of cake – you're going to want one tomorrow."