Pain-free Warrior Gifts

"It stopped hurting and you didn't even have to do anything."

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

Lumbar support animal

'It's a beautiful lighthouse. However, hauling the batteries up the stairs has taken its toll on my back.'

'That stuff kills 98% of household germs, but leaves the remaining 2% limping around enough to maintain your resistance.'

"...and you've got private use of it, so long as you don't exceed 10,000 mile per annum.'

"Well, the first thing we're going to do is loosen those suspenders!"

'I've got an appointment with Mr. Payne.' - 'He'll see you now.' - 'Okay, take a deep br-' - 'Gah!' - 'Great, now turn ov-' - 'Argh!' - 'And a final tw-' - 'Mummy!' - '*Sob*' - 'Okay, all done.' - 'Did you, by any chance...' - '...hear you crying...'

The Jerck Manual

Organic farm

'Have I told you how absolutely lovely you look today?'

"She's in her happy place again."

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'

"Too hard?"

'Worry kills more people than work.'

"Look at it this way -- in three years your roof could leak."

"That's what I like about you Smedley - you're not afraid to show fear!"

Shuffle Zone. Please shuffle and create static electricity to power our city.

The Nine Circles of Heaven

Karate School.

"Well, you've fianlly done it! No more rainforest left!"

'Exactly which school of acupuncture are you from?'

'Stupid global warming!'

"Dad, Dad, the termites have found our food stash!"

"Did you remember to take the trash in?"

"I've reduced our carbon footprint and replaced all our bulbs with energy efficient low wattage ones."

'I have stomach cramps.' - 'Oh.' - 'It feels like a cat raking its claws down the inside of my stomach.' - 'Oh.' - 'Raking in a good way or a bad way?' -

Superheroes Alliance. We need somebody to be flexible and pick-up a holiday shift! Let's call Plasticman!

"Argh! It's going to rain! My arthritis!"

'Oh, thank god, a hot tub... My back is literally killing me.'

'I hope that's olive oil. More healthy.'

'I've found this great app. It locates heavier people I can stand next to, making me appear thinner.'

'I'm not sure we should get rid of your cellulite -- it may be all that's holding you together.'

Ugh! I hate shots! The Dodos.

"No thanks! My dad said those things will kill you!"