Own-goal Analyst Gifts

"An own-goal and a rebound penalty, huh!"

"I have a recurring nightmare that I've taken a test, and the professor won't give me an 'A'."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'I've been coming to Kindergarten every day for two weeks!-- When do I get paid?'

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Are you blind ref?'

"I saw Elvis kissing Santa Claus."

When lice dream.

The Goal Post-Impressionists,

'Was it the beaver dream again?'

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'

'Was it the non-flying dream again?'

"Please, no! Not the pit of people endlessly describing their dreams in great detail!"

"Another nightmare?"

"We thought we could put in the details later."

'Last night Warren Buffett came to me in a dream and whispered in my ear, but it was just sexual.'

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

Then the tree walked away, and I said good-bye to it... what a dumb dream... whose idea was it to analyse my ideas.

"Anymore, I'm appearing in only small secondary rolls in my dreams."

The real reason the Christmas Truce didn't last.

Andrew Marr

Somewhere in France Gertie Anne Grapples With An Idee Fixe

Referee's Free Kick Pack

'I had that dream again, the one where I couldn't breathe.'

'Of course I'm confused, I keep dreaming I'm an insomniac.'

"So, what have you been doing lately?"

'The object is to get the ball into either of those two nets.' - 'It would help if the men didn't get in each other's way so much.'

Wordplay: Mind Games.

"That's the fifth one he's let slip by."

"Offside? By a fingertip? It's football not handball!"

'Apparently the first leg was a bit contentious.'

'Better get used to player rotation!'

'I'm graphing the likelihood of me keeping this New Year's resolutions based on all of my previous resolutions. It doesn't look good for me.'