Outrageous Writer Pillows

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

'... and make it look like an accident.'

'Sire, the peasants say you're just using them.'

"Listen, kid - in the real world, great power comes with no responsibility whatsoever."

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

Indian snake charmer charms a snake.

Stu just wanted to participate in the outdoor art class. . . alone. . . but Bob went ahead and invited himself anyway. . .

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

Gigolo Diary

Set fazers to 'Wet Fart!'

'You're going to meet a tall dark stranger.'

"If they say 'Rubensesque' in their profile, they mean they're a Botero."

'What do you mean the men are unhappy! What on earth gives you that idea?'

'I'm your new editor and not only is this cartoon the funniest one ever made, but it also discovered the cure for cancer and exposes a new,safe and free energy source and it's brought an end to religious wars and that turns me on and I use...'

'My career goals? Writing political attack ads would combine my love of blogging and bullying.'

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

'I self-published a book on how to be successful. It forced me into bankruptcy.'

"Granted, I could have read your body of work to find out you specialize in dirty limericks before appointing you state poet laureate."

"I'm not going into college today, I don't feel enough sense of outrage."

'Britishness Test.'

"We're close to being reliant solely on renewable sources of outrage."

"What a great class. I got an 'A' in forwarding e-mail jokes."

"So, do you come nowhere often?"