Outrageous Writer Gifts

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

What Could Go Wrong?

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

"Listen, kid - in the real world, great power comes with no responsibility whatsoever."

Indian snake charmer charms a snake.

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

I'm ego surfing right now, looking up my name on different search engines.

'Sire, the peasants say you're just using them.'

'... and make it look like an accident.'

Stu just wanted to participate in the outdoor art class. . . alone. . . but Bob went ahead and invited himself anyway. . .

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

Gigolo Diary

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

The Best Defense for Trump's Wall

"If they say 'Rubensesque' in their profile, they mean they're a Botero."

Set fazers to 'Wet Fart!'

'You're going to meet a tall dark stranger.'

'What do you mean the men are unhappy! What on earth gives you that idea?'

'I'm your new editor and not only is this cartoon the funniest one ever made, but it also discovered the cure for cancer and exposes a new,safe and free energy source and it's brought an end to religious wars and that turns me on and I use...'

'I self-published a book on how to be successful. It forced me into bankruptcy.'

'My career goals? Writing political attack ads would combine my love of blogging and bullying.'

"I'm not going into college today, I don't feel enough sense of outrage."

"Granted, I could have read your body of work to find out you specialize in dirty limericks before appointing you state poet laureate."

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

'Britishness Test.'

"What a great class. I got an 'A' in forwarding e-mail jokes."

"We're close to being reliant solely on renewable sources of outrage."

"So, do you come nowhere often?"