Storyteller Of Absurdities Pillows

'Did you realize you were doing 900 in a 55 mile-an-hour zone.'

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Now you can send it."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"#notguilty."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

The little engine that delegated

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

Follow me on Twitter...

Baseball.

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

UFO and snowman

The pop-culture critic's annual existential crisis."

Operation.

'I can't say I like your cavalier attitude Benson.'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

'It's odd...when I was CEO of Phoenix Industries everybody laughed at my jokes, but since I've been retired, nobody does.'

"It's true. God appeared to Trump in a dream and told him to run for president."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

Oliver Twist As Re-imagined in the Modern Boardroom.

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'