Awkward Storyteller Pillows

Initiate conversations with your child...even about sex and relationships."

"So, no second date then?"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

What price beauty?

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

How I met your mother

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

Follow me on Twitter...

Cheap amusement with... THE HAPPY COUPLE!

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'

"I've finally finished my lockdown novel."

"Really, Larry? Of all the things that could have bitten you, you get a wereduck?"

"This little piggy went to market, this little piggy drove the getaway car..."

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"Come with us to see the wizard. He can find you a brain!"

Hog Futures

"We pride ourselves on defying expectations."

'There is a kid at school who can play 'Jingle Bells' with his farts. That is impressive because flatulence is a difficult medium.'

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

'Miss Wilson, get on the web and find me everything on bottles!'

"Convicts selling novels from prison? At least that could never happen here, eh Jones?"

Centaur falls in love.

'I've written a poem describing my feelings on discovering the body, Inspector...'

"It's just thrived since I let it have Harry!"