Outdoor Chore Dodger Gifts

"Never talk your husband into doing the yard work when he'd rather be fishing."

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

'I don't see why I have to pick it up. I'm not responsible for the law of gravity.'

"Mom, no raking for me this fall! Got any more leaf bags?"

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

'We share the load - she cooks it, I eat it.'

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

"Don't you dare try to sneak out of this cartoon!"

'...so I said to Linda, 'I can't do yard work in the rain!''

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

"I learned that I'm more of a leaf pile jumper and less of a leaf pile raker."

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

"My voices told me to just relax today!"

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

'Cute girl from philosophy. . . BBQ at Dave's. I wonder if she's going?. . . Flat meeting to talk about me not doing my share.'

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

"No, Senator, I'm afraid stretching the truth doesn't count as yoga."

"Leave your weekends open. I'll be dropping a lot more of these."

Washing Instructions: Have Your Mom Do It.

"The dishes are done. You can come out now."

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

"Now where's that idiot hiding? He was supposed to fix the door."

'Oh, Fred does exercise. He takes frequent walks to the refrigerator.'

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

"Uh, it's the funniest thing honey... None of my power tools seem to work! I guess those projects will have to wait..."

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

"I'll do the dishes as soon as I finish learning how to play the piano."

"Can't you rake the leaves? I'm raking in cash."

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

"I just washed and waxed it. I don't want the birds messing it up!"