Open-minded Conversationalist Pillows

"Er! Actually I was thinking of starting with the left handed."

PSA Banter.

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

A lesson in wit

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

Statue of Christopher Columbus

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."