Oops-proof Investors Gifts

"The main reason Bob trades on-line is his dumb mistakes remain anonymous."

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

Saving for College.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

A wiser and a better man

"What do you mean, the market rallied?"

Financial Prudence disappears.

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

"Safe FDIC insured, guaranteed 2.65% APY...check out our new Emotional Support CDs."

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

Elevator buttons read: Way Up/up/Down/Way Down.

"If you don't bury 10% of your bones, you'll have nothing when you retire."

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'What I want for Christmas can be found in the Russel 2000 index of small-fry funds.'

'How about a romantic caper about two lost souls who meet and find happiness investing in mutual funds.'

'Greed, wrath, envy and pride closed higher today, while lust, sloth and gluttony showed losses.'

'Stocks took a dive when a top economist was overheard saying 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.''

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

Investments: We have socially correct stocks, but 'wrong' usually pays better.

"This article says that a good investment consultant can smell money like a dog smells fear..."

Prices displayed for a book and its movie rights.

'There's more to life than winning; there's also taking losses as tax write-offs, That's it?'

"Do we look like investors in high-tech funds to you?"

Buy Low and Sell High Gurus

The Bull, the Bear, the Ant, and the Grasshopper

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

'You think cheese will motivate me? No. I want mutual funds.'

Pension Advisor.

The only thing you need to know about money matters it that it matters.

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

'You can rest assured that our 'diet conscience' fund invests only in low-fat, low cholesterol food companies.'

Worst person to invest with...

"The good news is things look good. The bad news is that's just a crack in the wall."

"on the contrary, the fund's performance has been quite good when viewed in dog's years."

California Investments: Quake-Proof Your Portfolio!