Online Paradox Lover Gifts

It's my manifesto on living "off the grid," mainly compiled from my blog, tweets and Facebook posts.

"Drunk, yet orderly"

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

'Massive unpredictability is absolutely certain, maybe.'

"The central digital platform is temporarily renamed Project Schrödinger’s Cat. Until it is accessed on the 24th February it both is and is not a working system."

The Meaning of Life

Barrister asking a witness to produce burnt papers

'It began as The Great American Novel...but it finally sold as an infomercial.'

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.'

Decisions: Yes or No, 'Or maybe?'

'Applicant wacked out, suggest immediate promotion.'

I've got a problem – with me. Counseling costs extra. I always hated BMW owners. But one day I woke up and realized I drive a Saab. People who vacation in the Hamptons give me hives, but I've got a summer spot in Santa Cruz. I protested against big corporate oil companies … wearing a North Face jacket and Nike high tops! Don't you realize what I've become? I'm an upwardly mobile hippy! Death to the huppy. Hates fancy coffee drinks, loves soy milk.

'The last thing he said was 'I'm going to go look up the work 'Dictionary' in the dictionary,' and then the universe kind of collapsed around him,'

Right Against Right.

"Carl had the mouth of a truck driver... Sorry, Carl, I just can't make no sense from all those words comin’ out your pie hole. A truck driver with a Ph.D. in mathematical logic."

"We have ways of making you say yes, but I want you to want to say yes."

"Eighty percent polyester."

Grenadiers

Zeno Gives Directions

Moses with the Ten Commandments on a Ski Lift

"Is that your beeper or my beeper?"

'The doctor told me to get away for a while..Where I live, in the country, it's just too quiet for me, so I've come here for a vacation.'

'Say that again and you're a dead man!'

The City that Never Sleeps.

National Paradox Foundation: We're closed come in.

'I know one never knows, but I don't know how one knows that.'

Fastest slowest animal

Lacking a basic understanding of plot and humour, Alan Turing was really confused when Temptation and Consciouence stood on the wrong shoulder.

'National Public Television now presents 'Monday Night Chess'!'

Smoking in the Paradise.

'Making these snacks low-fat was great because substituting sweetener for fat made them even more addictive.'

'I'm afraid you're a hypochondriac Mr Jenkins... but luckily we have a pill for that!'

"I want you to enhance long term growth while maximising short term profit. Oh, and while you're at it, turn this chunk of lead into gold."