Online Commentary Gifts

Journalism

Read this first! You might like these! Stupid book. Loser. The Internet Library.

"Why can't you just snipe at strangers through social media like other people?"

"As an alpha-male, I get roasted online, but none of these anonymous trills challenge me in real life to take over and lead..."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

Wifi in Hell

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

'It seems to work, I couldn't afford a blackberry!'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Will follow you on social media for food."

Armageddon

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Noise Pollution

"What's wrong, girl? Trouble? Rachel can't decide which private school to attend?" "Upper West Side Lassie"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

'Seesh...I'm really tired of how men are always depicted as clueless dolts!!...I didn't say it's inaccurate, just that I'm tired of seeing it...'