Online Commentary Gifts

"Why can't you just snipe at strangers through social media like other people?"

"As an alpha-male, I get roasted online, but none of these anonymous trills challenge me in real life to take over and lead..."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"Yes, one is a dog."

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Armageddon

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

'Seesh...I'm really tired of how men are always depicted as clueless dolts!!...I didn't say it's inaccurate, just that I'm tired of seeing it...'

Noise Pollution

"What's wrong, girl? Trouble? Rachel can't decide which private school to attend?" "Upper West Side Lassie"

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

Can't even hold signs well.