Online Comedian Gifts

"You're entitled the one text, one Facebook update, one Google search, one Instagram post, one Snapchat..."

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

"Did you get my tweet?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"Sorry, website closed for lunch."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"She looks just like in your photos."

Aladdin conjures up a virtual genie.

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

Chasebook

'Yeah, but if it's NOT a mirage, maybe we can find Mapquest on it!'

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

Advertising on the internet.

Twitter that!

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

"If he has more than 20 followers on Twitter we call him a 'celebrity'."

"....and then it turned out that the e-mail I ignored that I got from the Nigerian bank offering me £200 million was REAL!"

Facebook For Dogs.

"Can you take a video of me attacking the garbage so I can post it on Instagram?"

"Google gets thousands of requests each day to erase links. Most of them seem to go back to my website."

"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Lol. Winky face."

"Just remember, kid...whether you post on Facebook, Twitter or YouTube...it's all show biz."

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'

"The internet without cat pictures? No way! Make a realistic wish like peace on earth, justice for all, everlasting life, sane politicians..."

I've founded my own religion. Of course you have, Rudy. It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths. If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted. What are the central tenets of your religion? A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation.

Giggle.

"Just right click, save as, and now you own the complete works of William Shakespeare."

"I just tweeted a chirp."

"Great, the end of the world and I'm going to be first on facebook with pictures!!"

'I don't care if he is the most interesting man in the world, his tweets about what he had for breakfast are still boring.'

"It's great the way that computer algorithms allow the internet to feed me with opinions that reinforce the ones I've already got - all on my phone!"

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.