Old-school Entertainer Gifts

Robert Mitchum

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

History of Cartooning.

“What if I tell you the card you are thinking of is … the Jack of Hearts ?”

Off Off Off Off Broadway

"Sorry. I'm out of leprecondoms."

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

"Let there be light hors d'oeuvres."

"If he doesn't like the hand puppet routine, I'll try running the burning bush idea by him."

Pottery Slam

"Son, I've asked Mr. Puffer to instruct you on the finer points of classical as your new tooter."

'Sorry, Bobo. With all the e-mailed jokes today, office clowns are passe.'

Adult Magician

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

"Why can't you just read in bed?"

'You need to slow down - use more color.'

'Is the organ grinder about?'

'It's girl power - she sacked her manager.'

"No, actually the viola is played more like this."

An old man with bow legs

Warning Wisecracks or good-natured barbs alcohol maybe hazardous to your health,

"I don't think air guitar counts."

"I'm not very tech-savvy. I only recently learned that 'call or click' doesn't involve castanets."

Kissing In The Back Seat

"The fact that you're writing your presentation in giant letters makes me think you still haven't figured out how to use a PowerPoint presentation."

'Yeek. I need to ditch this thing and quick!'

Britney was one of those OCD strippers.

'I had a wonderful evening and I'm really sorry Ed's still looking for a parking spot.'

"Pick any number between one and sixty seconds."

'My snake is old. First, I have to wake him.'

Ventriloquist and his dummy both on mobile phones.

"You've been bugging me about a new tablet, so. . . Happy Birthday son!"

'Yeah, it's different, but somehow it lacks edge.'