Offside Rule Expert Gifts

'He still can't manage to get into the box.'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

Science Snobs

A boy and his spin patrol.

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

'Well, I can't find anything in the rule book about it.'

'Don't come down until your thirty five.'

'I know a lot of you have been sharing your opinions regarding health care and I just wanted to remind you, stay out of the road!'

"Does he need to be healed or heeled?"

"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

"According to the breathalyzer, the wine definitely represents your blood."

Gas Pedal Sticking?

"Look,we'll settle this on penalties, not an American style shoot out."

The real reason the Christmas Truce didn't last.

'I'll be the designated driver - you be the designated texter.'

"Thank you for coming. The talks were forthright and useful, and provided an excellent climate in which to resolve our remaining differences."

'I'm afraid we need someone with a little more backbone for this position.'

How Am I Driving?

'No zebras as yet. . .but we have had two school kids and a lollipop lady!'

"Offside? By a fingertip? It's football not handball!"

Official Support Groups

"The soft, flexible, extendible bumper gently nudges the cyclist safely out of harm's way."

'Quick, turn the siren on!'

"No, but I saw Purple Rain."

Watch Out Hedgehogs

'Remember...No hexing and driving!'

"I hate to disappoint you son, but those giant craters you see isn't the moon, it's our street."

The Red Cat: Lights/Red Cat Humour/Rhyme.

"Pull over and check your phone" "Once more for good luck" "Maybe just another teensy look"

'For throwing spitballs in class, I am sending you to the principal's office. It's nothing personal. It's just a classroom management thing.'

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road.

'Mrs. Sandler, I'm sorry we were late! No! Not that, Mrs. Sandler! Ahh! No, please! I beg of you!...'

Warning- Giants!

"Don't expect cars to stop on a dime just because you do."