Office Jester Gifts

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

"It's come to my attention, Wycliff, that you're actually planning a life outside the office."

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team,,,'

"Wentworth, could I take another look at that reorganization plan?"

"Blame culture...who is reponsible for this?" "Him..him..him...her..."

"Well, that was fun. But we really should get back down to business."

'Okay, let's bring this meeting to order.'

Interviewee: 'Nah, work related stress isn't a problem - I've never taken a job seriously enough for it to bother me!'

"Now this chart should clear up any confusion you have with the report."

'Somebody should tell our office manager that a motorized filing cabinet does not qualify as an electronic health record system.'

Sadly, Binky didn't survive the team building 'trust' exercise!

Profits "...I suppose we could try and improve the product."

Things Women Never Say: 'Sorry I'm late boss. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn't stop listening.'

'You can't start a job interview with 'How are you ?' It's a veiled inquiry into my general health.'

'For the next hour, hold all calls. I'll be practicing tumbling. I have to learn to roll with the punches.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'Some of these young school leavers aren't remotely prepared for the realities of the modern work environment.'

"I decided to take a calculated risk but Hayward did the calculations."

Air traffic controllers AGM

"Can I call you back when I feel like it?"

'You can keep your job if you can come up with a satisfactory description of it.'

"I'll be happy to give you innovative thinking. What are the guidelines?"

"I'm taking you off of the Henderson account and putting you into this steel drum."

"I take it you made a sale?"

'He's having so much fun doing his job that I'm going to have to start charging him an admission.'

'If you really want that promotion, Barnes, you'll swim back to the boat and get my laptop.'

LISTEN AND LEARN: "Are you sure he's listening to module 3 of 'coping with change'?"

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

"Didn't you read the Health and Safety guidelines. They're all here!"

"A raise?! In my day, if we needed more money, we just borrowed it."

"When I said dig up everything on the former owners, I meant at the library."

"All right, everybody, recess is over!"

Extreme Coworking Space

'We have to go back to thinking 'inside' the box.'

'Henry, you're on top of this week's team pyramid.'