Office Jester Gifts

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

"It's come to my attention, Wycliff, that you're actually planning a life outside the office."

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team,,,'

"Wentworth, could I take another look at that reorganization plan?"

"Blame culture...who is reponsible for this?" "Him..him..him...her..."

Interviewee: 'Nah, work related stress isn't a problem - I've never taken a job seriously enough for it to bother me!'

"Now this chart should clear up any confusion you have with the report."

'Somebody should tell our office manager that a motorized filing cabinet does not qualify as an electronic health record system.'

Sadly, Binky didn't survive the team building 'trust' exercise!

Profits "...I suppose we could try and improve the product."

'You can't start a job interview with 'How are you ?' It's a veiled inquiry into my general health.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'For the next hour, hold all calls. I'll be practicing tumbling. I have to learn to roll with the punches.'

'Some of these young school leavers aren't remotely prepared for the realities of the modern work environment.'

"I decided to take a calculated risk but Hayward did the calculations."

"Can I call you back when I feel like it?"

Air traffic controllers AGM

'You can keep your job if you can come up with a satisfactory description of it.'

"I'll be happy to give you innovative thinking. What are the guidelines?"

"I'm taking you off of the Henderson account and putting you into this steel drum."

"I take it you made a sale?"

'If you really want that promotion, Barnes, you'll swim back to the boat and get my laptop.'

'He's having so much fun doing his job that I'm going to have to start charging him an admission.'

'There's no use complaining, clause 34 section 67 of your contract says '...and any other duties as outlined by your manager'.'

LISTEN AND LEARN: "Are you sure he's listening to module 3 of 'coping with change'?"

"A raise?! In my day, if we needed more money, we just borrowed it."

"When I said dig up everything on the former owners, I meant at the library."

"Didn't you read the Health and Safety guidelines. They're all here!"

"My instincts tell me to call an emergency board meeting. My emotions tell me to have it at the all-nude bar across the street."

Extreme Coworking Space

"All right, everybody, recess is over!"

'It's bad enough we missed every deadline, but we're the long-range planning committee!'

'OK, good. I just wanted to be sure you were still on top of it.'

"Brings a whole new meaning to the idea of 'burnout'."

'Henry, you're on top of this week's team pyramid.'