Office Humor Fan Gifts

"Now that the holidays are over we'd like you to get back to crunching numbers."

Before Corporate Training/After Corporate Training

"You'll work nights and the pay is garbage."

'You are here.'

Desk bins: 'Too much information,' 'Not enough,' 'Just right.'

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

"Performance management...jump!"

'Heard you had a fire last night.' 'Sh-h-h! It's tonight.'

"I'm going to be late, dear. It's total craziness here."

"There sits the unvarnished truth. Now, how shall we interpret it to our advantage?"

'All I know is that we found him on Monster.com.'

"You're in luck...I've unearthed those payroll records from 3 years ago."

'Okay, here's the plan...'

"And when the time comes the company will put you to sleep at its own expense."

'You should check your e-mail more often. I fired you three weeks ago.'

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Quality Control

"We can't call it restructuring,we did that in '99 and '2002..." "And we used 'reorganisation' in 2000 and 2003." "What about 'strategic reorientation' We haven't done that since 2004."

"Gee, I'm not so sure about that one."

"Interesting business proposal. We'll have to run it by illegal."

'You know, Mertins, when you take a vacation day, you can actually stay at home.'

The job interview.

'So we agree: having attained diversity, we must now categorize, coordinate and consolidate it.'

"I only see the tech guru and the financial wizard. No sign of the systems ninja."

Board Meeting

'The good news is, we've got 100 percent less complaints. The bad news is, we've lost all our customers.'

Suggestion box closed! - We know all the answers.

'He's a good listener, but only to the sound of his own voice.'

'Any chance you can bite him yourself? I've really got a lot on my dish right now.'

To Err Is Human: To Forgive is Against Company Policy.

Yes, I can see you're bound. I suppose my question is, are you determined?

'I would have had these reports done sooner, but someone rolled a ball with a bell inside it into my cubicle.'

'You're a blood sucking leech, Parker, I like that in an employee.'

'You know, you're a very expensive employee because we have to contribute to nine retirement and life insurance plans for you.'