Office Comedy Fan Gifts

"I've decided to leave the company. Could I have my soul back?"

Simon's initial excitement about being headhunted didn't last long!

'It's not much of a business plan.'

'Formerly, the office of the CFO.'

"I'd love to help you, Fred, but it would mean compromising every ethical and professional standard I pretend to live by!"

"He was much more effective in the field."

'It's not all bad. We still have enough cash for bribing the prison guards.'

Department of Sanitation: In Bin and Out Bin.

'That's four ayes and one neigh.'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

I've started a management course.

Motivational backup speakers

"I thought our sales pitch was going very well until he summoned security."

'So, what's it like to lick a light socket, Mr. Safety?'

'I take it you're looking to some extra hours!'

"Between grooming and sleeping and daydreaming about grooming, my day is pretty booked up."

'Well here's the problem. Part # AB5 is a bomb. Part # AB6 is a toner cartridge.'

'Well, here we are at last.'

I won't have you criticising my work anymore! How do you spell 'quit'?...

'Jack, I couldn't just fire you.'

'...And as a sign of my appreciation for your great work here, I have decided to retweet you!'

'Of course I'll let you ask first before we reject you.'

'Send a complimentary box of Christy's Crackers to everyone I stepped on in working my way to the top.'

"Can money buy happiness? Certainly not the amount I'm paying you."

'Just like nature, I abhor a vacuum - especially when I'm working!'

"I haven't stayed with my previous employers very long because everyone who's hired me is a jerk."

'Yes, please deal with any hostile take-over bids while I'm out.'

'I work in the office across the street.'

"It's the police they say they would send someone round but they can't find our reservation..."

'Yes son, your dad is the boss of an international company. We dismiss workers in UK, France, Belgium, Germany, Spain, Portugal, Ireland, Italy...'

'I won't be here next week, so the nurse will check you. And if the nurse isn't here, just ask the cleaner.'

'Why retire? Working a nonfunctioning - government is just like being retired.'

"Mr. Hodson definitely does not want to be disturbed right now."

Having shut early for Christmas, Mr Small decided to get back to work early to check the answering machine.

Satan has boxes on his desk labeled "Guilty" and "Guilty".