Office Comedy Lover Gifts

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

'Accounting has suggested we standardize our billing procedure.'

'I think your problem with staff theft may go beyond the stationery cupboard...'

'Strangest interview I've ever been on. To see if I was a team player, he asked me to spot him a twenty.'

'Delegating has worked well for me....I haven't actually done anything since 1993.'

'I'd like to see you in my office, Brenda.'

'Congratulations, Fingleworth. You made the 'Million Dollar Club.' We estimate that's what you've cost the company.'

"Malpractice? The joke's on you. I don't have a license."

'What can I do to create a climate where things get done?'

'I don't know about you Brian, but the client looks a bit dodgy!'

'Fingleworth, stop trying to speed up reduction of staff through attrition.'

"Please ignore the undertaker and tell me again how you lost the company's biggest contract?"

'...and this is where we keep Fobisher. He's one of our company's hidden assets.'

'How do you know it's a bank in trouble?' ~ 'All the tellers are pregnant.'

'Downsizing through attrition will work if enough employees will cooperate and die.'

'He's with a creditor right now. Can I get him to call you back?'

'Right Miss Piggot...I see that according to our records you're pregnant and expecting a little girl in three months.'

'Oh, good - you brought The Broom of Honesty, Dignity and Self Respect.'

Thank You for Not Bringing Up My Salary

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'In a few weeks I start drawing my pension. Man, I'll missing being able to use the pressure, the endless overwork, and the bullying as an excuse for binge drinking.'

"I couldn't find any new employees for your company, sir. There's no one I hate that much."

"Congrats on surviving the cuts. You'll be doing the work of 147 people."

Head Office

"Congratulations, Thornhill. It seems you won this year's downhill championship!"

"See that momentary rise in profits? That's when I sacrificed Henshaw to the Business Gods who live under my desk, so who's the 'Mad Manager' now?"

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

"They say you can't cheat an honest man. I say 'Bull'!"

Frank abuses the Power of Attorney.

employment Counselor. Why did you write "Sitting in a chair" and "Polka-dot, extra large"? It asked for "present position" and "brief description."

"It's not what I expected."

'It's for your own good, Pomeroy -- the less I pay you now, the easier it will be for you to adjust to retirement.'

Drac, I gotta have a better office if I'm gonna market your Tomato Juice.

Job applicant.