Occupational Ponderer Gifts

'Well, if you can't stand confrontation, why on earth did you become a bullfighter?'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'I play so hard that I have no time to work hard.'

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

"Needs to get a life"

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'We need to have a shake-up!'

Waiting for Pants

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'At least I don't have his life.'

Experience-Productivity Ratio / Age-Salary Ratio.

'I never wanted the best years of your life Clayton - just a few good days would do.'

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

"The trouble is, professor, you see the Erlenmeyer flask half empty and I see it half full."

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

Max Weber

'I've been thinking about quitting, but it's the only thing that gets me out of the house.'

"She said that she's against combing marriage with a career....so I quit my job."

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

'We'll skip that rubbish.'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

'And the recruiter from IBM - did you also tell him that at college you mostly sat on a rock by the sea, trying to find yourself?'

"When I said you're doing a hell of a job, Krueger, I didn't mean it as a compliment!"

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'