Nutrition Jokester Gifts

"Extra pickles on your burger doesn't mean you're eating a plant-based diet."

"A pint of chocolate ice cream is a reasonable equivalent for a half cup of non-fat yoghurt, right?"

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

"Sometimes a tightness in the chest can be a sign of high blood pressure. In your husband's case, however, I just loosened his belt a little."

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

' ... and a side order of statins.'

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

'This is my favorite machine in the gym.'

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

'They opened an ice cream shop by the gym.'

You are what you eat

"Easy on the carbs, Carl."

'I bought a treadmill, so if he sleepwalks again I know where he is.'

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

'I've got rotten teeth and you need glasses, ironic does not even cover it!'