Nursing Home Jokesters Gifts

'Remind me again. . . who's chasing who?'

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

The Friendship Between Death and the Doctor.

"Sounds like cracked ribs. Try loosening your belt."

'Look mum and dad! They let me keep my appendix!' - A young book excitedly showing off his appendix to his arriving parents.

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

Children's Nursery

"The nurse thinks she's sneaky, but I know my meds are in the peanut butter."

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

"Fortunately, we have an excellent selection!"

Surgeon to other: 'First organ transplant?'

'The good news is it's curable, the bad news is you can't afford it.'

Nurse playing darts with syringes.

"Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Glenborn."

'We've noticed just about every patient you've tested has elevated blood pressure.'

'He still doesn't know how serious an amputation he's had, nurse, so try not to act too shocked.'

Doctor: 'Mind if I cut in?'

Hospitalized intellectuals are ill-literates.

Ask me about Naming Rights.

"You car pool guys will be going down together for x-rays."

'I've never seen mum change these when they get empty.'

'Have I been waiting long? Well, I guess so. I was forty three years old when I came in.'

Plastic Surgery

"Open mike night"

'I guess you two won't be reading the Kama Sutra again.'

"My friend's in long-term hospital care. Got any Get Rich Quick cards?"

'We're fresh out of miracles. Want to see a card trick?'

'Yes, they're my own teeth. I paid the dentist for them myself.'

"The doctor at table 3 said he wanted his toast STAT."

Early Gurning Centre