Nursing Home Humor Gifts

"April Fool's on her!"

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

"I don't leave home without it!"

Children's Nursery

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

Jelly I.V.

"I didn't say he's dying from choking. I said he's killing us with his joking."

"Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay."

"The nurse thinks she's sneaky, but I know my meds are in the peanut butter."

'What's for desert?'

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

'Yes doctor, it did hurt when you did that!'

'Slap me and I'll see you in court.'

"I'm afraid the diagnosis isn't good."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

"When they said they were bringing in students I thought they meant MEDICAL students."

'Hold it RIGHT there, buster! Nobody leaves the floor before signing out first!'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'