Nursing Home Humorist Gifts

'Yes, I'm sure they'll let you watch your soap operas, grandma.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

Cardiac Recovery.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"WHich one is mine?"

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

Virtual Doctor

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'