Humor-loving Nurse Gifts

"Yes, hello. I'm hoping you've found a cure for my hiccups...but I'm not holding my breath!"

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Happy Birthday to you.

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

Fly Hospital: "Just a slight stinging then you'll be fast asleep."

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

'Maintenance to the O.R....Maintenance to the O.R....'

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

'We've noticed just about every patient you've tested has elevated blood pressure.'

Transplant delivery

'I've never seen mum change these when they get empty.'

"Race you to the spleen!"

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

'The amputation went well Mr. Johnstone but we have had one slight hiccup.'

'Yes, I'm sure they'll let you watch your soap operas, grandma.'

'Sorry, we don't know as much as we'd like to about warming a stethoscope.'

'Yes, I suppose it's worth a try - after all we have nothing to lose.'

'Do I need a pin number to make a withdrawal?'

'Bad case of credit crunch, I'm afraid. . . So we'll have to slowly introduce you to a diet of cash.'

'I've mislaid a scalpel.'

"If she still feels pain with the regular placebo, we try again withe extra-strength placebo!"

"The next patient is complaining of a running nose."

'You call all this a side-effect?'

"Anyone else for a prostate test?"

"They said it'd take time to expel the air pumped in during the procedure"

'No nurse! - I said check their obs!'

'Fortunately, the virus is dormant. Just be careful you don't wake it up.'

"We got the results back from the post-mortem. It appears he was still alive before we started it."

'It's a nasty little rash, nothing to worry about!'

"When the doctor shows up please remember to blink, in case he thinks you're the post-mortem."