Nocturnal Humor Fans Pillows

"Seriously, you have to stop getting up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water."

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

'We found you in a cabbage!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

Tequila Mockingbird

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Maybe I'm aiming too high...maybe 'saving for a cool car' is too hard."

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

'Guess who's teething?'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

Mayhem, Inc. Part 2

'You've made a breakthrough in FINANCIAL research?', 'Yep! - I split the ATM!'

'Henry, cut that out.'

"Cheer up, Simon. . . I'm always here for you!"

"Relax, he could just be looking for fun."

"Don't forget to call it a 'procedure'—it makes it less scary."

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

"Then I told him, 'Unions are powerless in this country... What can you do to me?'"

Beer Lunch

"My new day job is killing me."

Under New Mismanagement

"Oh you kids and that cursed painting in the closet keep me young."

Sure, snoring is a big issue at our house too: you've seen the size of my dad's nose...

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"Mr Bush? I have a little job for you in North Korea..."

Bat

Bank Robbery Statistics

"When you said we were going to push the boat out tonight, I thought you meant we were going to a fancy restaurant!"

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"What?!"

Sawrd Fighting

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time