Nocturnal Humor Fans Gifts

"Seriously, you have to stop getting up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water."

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

'We found you in a cabbage!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

Tequila Mockingbird

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

'Guess who's teething?'

"Cheer up, Simon. . . I'm always here for you!"

"Relax, he could just be looking for fun."

'You've made a breakthrough in FINANCIAL research?', 'Yep! - I split the ATM!'

'Henry, cut that out.'

"Don't forget to call it a 'procedure'—it makes it less scary."

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

"Then I told him, 'Unions are powerless in this country... What can you do to me?'"

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"When you said we were going to push the boat out tonight, I thought you meant we were going to a fancy restaurant!"

Bat

Sure, snoring is a big issue at our house too: you've seen the size of my dad's nose...

Bank Robbery Statistics

Under New Mismanagement

Beer Lunch

"Mr Bush? I have a little job for you in North Korea..."

"Oh you kids and that cursed painting in the closet keep me young."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"My new day job is killing me."

"What?!"

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time

Sawrd Fighting

"Hold on, I'll make that coffee to go!"