Newshead Gifts

Now, for news from Wall Street, we turn to our embedded reporter on the floor of the Stock Exchange.

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

Squeezing the Free Press.

They're Not Just That Into It

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Trump pardons

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

The Circular Logic of Fascism

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Difference of Opinion

Meet the Enemy

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

"We won!"

CIA report

"Would you please step into the garage? Your car and I need to have a word with you."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

Trump Poutine

News Internecine: Murdoch succession battle

A little bird told me...

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

Apart from protest footage I forget what downtown looks like.

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

Laughingstock

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."