News Node Gifts

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

Trump pardons

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Difference of Opinion

Meet the Enemy

"We won!"

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

CIA report

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

Loan Alley

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

Trump Poutine

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"May we live in interesting times. And may we outlive them."

Laughingstock

Apart from protest footage I forget what downtown looks like.

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'