News Digesters Gifts

Parents Strike

Health Scare Stories Cause Stress, Says Report.

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"We do have on item the internet hasn't already beaten into the ground, ad nauseam."

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

Paper Boy

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

Journey of a sandwich through the digestive system.

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

"I'll pause for a moment so you can let this information sink in."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Scientists believe the mysterious asteroid, known as 'Oumaumau', may be a space probe, a discarded solar sail or a huge alien turd."

"Extra! Extra! Stream all about it! It’s extra, so you may not need it, especially if you looked at your phone recently."

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

"It was a mixed dayon wall street. Stocks were down, but bonuses were up."

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

Weekend paper with an index to the supplements it contains.

The Hypocritic Oath

Little girl to baby: Is that a good book?

"Pour yourself a drink - the news isn't too good"

All things previously thought to be good for us are in fact harmful to our health.

'Chief say he eat to many beans.'

'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'

'I think it means corporate control is now complete.'

Item of late news - newsreader has been stabbed in the back.

In Plain Sight

'Here are today's numbers: I earn $1369 per day, an increase of $548 per day over my previous job...'

'That's the end of the news - (B****RD MEN!!)'