News Commentary Gifts

Trump fires his gold toilet.

Jared's Laptop

"Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted on Capitol Hill recently wearing nice clothes. Which really calls into question her claim to have struggled at any point in her life. Panel?"

The Russia hack of the election, it was next level, man. First, they released DNC emails containing the words democrats said.

'Transistional Pope. Is that nice way of saying they hope he doesn't live too long?'

No More Trump, Next 250 Channels. . .

"To be honest, I'm leaving public service so I can make some real money as a talking head on a cable news network."

Celebrity 10 o'clock news...

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

Laughingstock

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

Armageddon

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'Son, voting isn't a rational procedure by which one strategically selects an electable candidate who will best serve your interests. Voting is an emotional response to your gut level fears!'

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'