News Commentator Gifts

"The stock market was down because more people wanted to sell stocks than buy them."

'On a personal note, I'm happy to report that I've been promoted from the network's chief 'pundit' to chief 'pontificator'.'

Justice Scalia died! First thing we must do is show decorum and respect.

Defunding the police vs defunding education

'And if you're not confused yet, you will be when this bloke has finished.'

'Had this been an actual emergency, some politician would have shown up by now to lie to you about it.'

Today stocks fell gently like snow dropping on cedars...

"The Tories beat the Labour party in the UK. I don't know what those words mean, but let's pretend!"

"This week on Sunday Hot Takes: sexual harassment."

"This week on Sunday Hot Takes, the wage gap between men and women - is it really such a bad thing? Jill, you hate other women, start us off with something awful."

The Russia hack of the election, it was next level, man. First, they released DNC emails containing the words democrats said.

"The election is underway!"

"And, closer to home, your wife is doing shots with some Dutch sailors on the Bowery."

"Should newsrooms call the denunciation of jews by Hitler "racist"? Our all-aryan panel is here to discuss."

"Welcome back to the white power hour! The Mueller report is out and it completely exonerates our strong aryan president. No need to read it. I used to wear a bow tie, so you can trust my judgement."

"Me too leader Asia Argento has been accused of sexually assaulting a minor."

"So my 800-some shady mortgages, you're handling everything?"

"I'm thinking of making a career change into fearmongering."

"I've still got Tucker Carlson's voice in my head."

Pooped pants

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

"Nation-building never works."

Opportunities in Coronatimes

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

'What's wrong with those Europeans? We have more murders in this city than England, France Germany and Spain combined.'

"Whoever made Keir Starmer did a sound professional job."

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

Laughingstock

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"