News Absorber Gifts

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

UK border controls relaxed.

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

Meet the Enemy

Apart from protest footage I forget what downtown looks like.

There's a crew here from 60 minutes and they're coming this way.

News Internecine: Murdoch succession battle

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

'Breaking Bad' Box Set Addiction.

Capital Tours

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Idlib, Syria - The final stage

Reporter #6: television.

Trump Destroying U.S. the Postal Service

"Oh my God, they're gassing refugees. Look at this family!"

Classic News.

Charades

Big Newspaper Delivery

As you can see, media coverage at this event is very heavy...

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

'You've been killing files again.'

The Russians Are Coming...Maybe

'According to the latest poll, 64% of the public don't pay any attention to polls...'

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

Crooked Hillary... Pig... Sad!... Not a Ten!...

Best Political System Ever

"So how much money do you make?"

CONGRESS, 'It was a really tight race this time -- I had to use some of my campaign contributions for CAMPAIGNING!'

The wave of immigration issues about to hit Obama's plan and the Supreme Court ruling.

"It makes me happy that you took time to read the newspaper today."