Newbie Mom Laughter Gifts

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"Use your inside scream."

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 2."

The Mothership

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

'Here's one I made earlier!'

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'I tried those once. They leaked.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

'One small tooth for me...one giant worry for you.'

"You went here instead of the maternity ward. Fortunately, we experts in delivery too!"

"When do I get my phone call"

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'So that's why babies don't have teeth.'

Shares in Headache tablets gone up since new baby was born.

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

'I have this recurring nightmare. Mum's so engorged she can't get out of bed to feed me.'

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

Your CV is rather thin...

"Coming down the runway, Rachel is wearing corn flakes, a nursing bra, and the same maternity leggings from yesterday."

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

America's Next Top Baby

'Do I need a pin number to make a withdrawal?'