Newbie Mom Laughter Gifts

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"Use your inside scream."

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 2."

The Mothership

'Here's one I made earlier!'

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'I tried those once. They leaked.'

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

'One small tooth for me...one giant worry for you.'

"When do I get my phone call"

"You went here instead of the maternity ward. Fortunately, we experts in delivery too!"

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'So that's why babies don't have teeth.'

"What part of this don't you understand?"

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

'I have this recurring nightmare. Mum's so engorged she can't get out of bed to feed me.'

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

Shares in Headache tablets gone up since new baby was born.

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

Your CV is rather thin...

"Coming down the runway, Rachel is wearing corn flakes, a nursing bra, and the same maternity leggings from yesterday."

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

America's Next Top Baby