New Mom Chuckles Gifts

'One small tooth for me...one giant worry for you.'

'I tried those once. They leaked.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

'Oh Darling look. He's got your colour boogies!'

The Mothership

'Here's one I made earlier!'

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

"What part of this don't you understand?"

Two breasts: No waiting

Your CV is rather thin...

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

The baby's really been moving round today.

Shares in Headache tablets gone up since new baby was born.

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

'Why should I? He didn't attend the conception.'

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

"Coming down the runway, Rachel is wearing corn flakes, a nursing bra, and the same maternity leggings from yesterday."

Big book of daft names for kids.

'Do I need a pin number to make a withdrawal?'

'Congratulations. You're the father of two tax exemptions.'

'Relax, the most important thing is that he drinks his milk, not how.'