New Mom Laughter Gifts

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

The Mothership

'Here's one I made earlier!'

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

'This is a rarity in today's world. No corporate sponsorship signs in here.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'I tried those once. They leaked.'

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'One small tooth for me...one giant worry for you.'

"You went here instead of the maternity ward. Fortunately, we experts in delivery too!"

"She's changed so much since the sonogram."

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'So that's why babies don't have teeth.'

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

Your CV is rather thin...

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

Shares in Headache tablets gone up since new baby was born.

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

"Coming down the runway, Rachel is wearing corn flakes, a nursing bra, and the same maternity leggings from yesterday."

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

'I have this recurring nightmare. Mum's so engorged she can't get out of bed to feed me.'

America's Next Top Baby

"But is my way the best way to do it???"

'Do I need a pin number to make a withdrawal?'