New Year's Skeptic Gifts

"Sorry, dear, but vowing NOT to climb Mount Everest this year isn't a valid New Year's resolution."

Science Museum. Why are you skeptical about the things scientists say? Because they claim the universe is expanding but when I visited my childhood hometown, everything was smaller.

'I hate all holidays!'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

Fake News - Tabloid News - State-run News - Free Press

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

Atheist Convention: 'I don't believe it!'

'So help me, which god?'

"I told the carol singers where to go in no uncertain terms, so that's saved us some money!"

Frankenfood farms: pest-resistant, fresher-longer, who-knows-what produce.

Boss: 'Speak up Smythe, I know you've got an opinion, I told you what it was in my email this morning!'

The first meeting.

"Please cut and paste these prayers to an other gods up there....just in case I've been following the wrong one."

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

Expert examining painting: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid it's a fake."

'Oh my god!'

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

'I've had raging hormones for the last 80 years.'

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

"Yes, I've read the bible. I've also read 'Harry Potter', but I don't believe in wizards."

"Spaghetti made from squash? Sounds like fake news."

"Our integrated approach to medicine skillfully combines an array of holistic alternative treatments with a sophisticated computerized billing service."

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

'Don't try to kid me - that whole Rudolph thing is just a publicity stunt, isn't it?'

'... But, if he knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake, isn't that an infringement of my right to privacy?'

'You don't really want to go to this party, do you?'

'Frankly, I don't know what to believe. They say if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.'

"There are more things I'm ungrateful than grateful for. Why can't we have a holiday for that?"

"I ran out of vacation days, so I didn't fly south this winter."

Bookshop: new in.

"When Santa went electric they either diversified or got furloughed."

"My God, do you realize the year's half over?"

"The Man Who Knew Enough"