New Mom Humor Fan Pillows

Shares in Headache tablets gone up since new baby was born.

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

Maternity Ward

Baby's book is titled: 'Dummies for Dummies.'

Fat Kid 17- Swallows the phone

The Mothership

'Here's one I made earlier!'

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

'No, I've not got names for them but I've got one for my husband!'

'I tried those once. They leaked.'

'This might be a good time to discuss a few grievances.'

Honey, Can You Buy Me Some Sanitary Towels?

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"It's true she's back to the same weight she was on her wedding day, but remember that she was 9 months pregnant with triplets then..."

'One small tooth for me...one giant worry for you.'

"You went here instead of the maternity ward. Fortunately, we experts in delivery too!"

'Would you like your ultrasound photos standard, high definition, 3-D, or 4K ultra HD?'

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

'So that's why babies don't have teeth.'

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

"It was dark, damp and cramped - why did you lock me in there for nine months??!..."

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

"Who do you have to know around here to get a fluffy?"

"You could say that. I had a D-section."

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

"Coming down the runway, Rachel is wearing corn flakes, a nursing bra, and the same maternity leggings from yesterday."