New Job Navigators Gifts

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

Between Offices

'I told you hard work would pay off in the third grade, Cate...You've had three job offers.'

"Why do you always assume I'm going down?"

'I was speeding right along toward my goal of moving up from middle management, when a cost-cutting measure overtook me!'

'I never wanted the best years of your life Clayton - just a few good days would do.'

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'Don't you know who I am?...I've decided to pursue a career as a celebrity, so I'm developing the basic language skills used in the industry.'

"I'm good at ticking boxes."

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

'The good news is that from now on I belong to a very rare species. There aren't many personnel managers who create their own pink slip.'

'Right, I hope that gives you an idea of what the work is about, any questions?'

"Trust me, you don't want this job."

For sale

"I guess I'll see you around Frank."

"I don't think I can be truly happy unless I have more passwords."

Doubt or Certainy

"I owe my success to always being the lesser of two evils."

"Will this job involve multiple choice, true and false, or essay questions?"

Career advice from the boss

We have plenty of people here to push paper. I need someone new to push the envelope.

'I received matching offers.'

'You say here that hard work doesn't scare you as long as you hide your eyes.'

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'I see you worked here seven years ago. Don't you have a better reference than that?'

"Intern? Oh, no. He wandered in from our day care center."

"I think we might already have lost the next set of graduates, they don't see us offering a career path..."

"I see myself rising through the ranks of the organization until midlife, when I will most likely hit a wall and go screaming through the door."

'Think of it as a buyout package, Bob...without the 'buy' and just the 'out'!'

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"I've seen a number of meteoric career flameouts in my time, but Phil's was sure in a class by itself!"

"What do you mean you quit? You're not even hired yet."

We need references other than your 336 Facebook friends.