New Homeowner Hopeful Gifts

New American dream? 'I sometimes fantasize about a modest home and a fairly new used car.'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Bungle the flip! Bungle the flip!"

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

A DIY disaster.

"This is bishop’s weed — always pee on it. Tell your friends."

Jack and Ina build their dream house.

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

Beginning Yarder.

"...And this is the part where he veers off course from the YouTube tutorial."

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

The Day Dreamer.

"Dad! The bathroom pipes are clogged up!"

'Frank is into D.I.Y...'Destroy It Yourself'!'

"What should I wear to the living room today?"

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

Believe it or not, I'm sitting her watching the fights. Harry versus the crabgrass, the moles, the insects...

"Installed it himself ??" saved $50."

"Can't we just get some load-bearing wallpaper?"

'We can mortgage your future for a very attractive low interest rate.'

Drought's Over

"When you get a minute, I have some kitchen shelves you can put up."

Baby it's cold outside.

"Did we just paint the house or did it just paint us?!"

'We're starting to build our own house. How much is this two by four?'

Human males marking territory.

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

'I think you'll all rest easy knowing this is a gated community!'

'Alright Harold... now stop feigning death and go mow the loan!'

Affordable housing - Mum and Dads.

'I know it's hard to believe, but before this, I'd never built a thing!'

Man looking at his shower-bath on a cold morning