New Health Regime Gifts

"We are able to extend your life for another two weeks, but you must eat wisely and get plenty of exercise."

Man on exercise bike with dog on treadmill

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

Flu vaccine.

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

Health Care Crisis table.

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"Your arm is broken - so it should fit in well here."

Govt. UK led by Seance

'When you've a minute could you design a new health infrastructure for the area with budget forecasts staffing requirements and job descriptions...tomorrow will do.'

The NHS begins using outside contractors for routine operations.

'I think you misunderstood us...when we said 'no cuts in the NHS' we clearly meant 'catastrophic cuts and savage staff reductions'.'

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

'Your hospital needs more nurses? So hire more nurses!'

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

"There are some things medical science cannot explain...like where the hell our health care system is heading."

'Sorry - global warming is not covered!'

'Never mind another doctor -- I'm referring you to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

Doctor's profits match a patient's scar.

'75% of our resources are taken up dealing with the aged and infirm...and that's just the staff!'

'That does it. . . Little Freddie is not going to law school! He's going to become an oncologist, Mary a gerontologist and Stevie a pharmacist! We'll be covered!'

'In the absence of any meaningful arguments we'd like to shout a few hackneyed cliches!'

Health Regime Change: No Fry Zone

'Yeah, I used to live with thousands of my friends in the kitchen of a restaurant, but for some reason, it was closed down...'

Still Stuck in Phase I of Meaningful Use...

"GPs morale is rock bottom...I think we should send them a postcard saying they're very nice!"

'Intensive and or expensive care?'

"Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body. . ."

'The DOH is targeting the problem of repeat prescriptions with some repeat proposals.'

Medical Group: Specializing In Treating The Insured.

'We need to make cuts...shall we start with the heart?'

"All of my muscle groups are small muscle groups."