New Health Regime Gifts

"We are able to extend your life for another two weeks, but you must eat wisely and get plenty of exercise."

Man on exercise bike with dog on treadmill

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

Flu vaccine.

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

Health Care Crisis table.

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

Govt. UK led by Seance

'When you've a minute could you design a new health infrastructure for the area with budget forecasts staffing requirements and job descriptions...tomorrow will do.'

"Your arm is broken - so it should fit in well here."

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

'I think you misunderstood us...when we said 'no cuts in the NHS' we clearly meant 'catastrophic cuts and savage staff reductions'.'

The NHS begins using outside contractors for routine operations.

'Your hospital needs more nurses? So hire more nurses!'

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

"There are some things medical science cannot explain...like where the hell our health care system is heading."

'Sorry - global warming is not covered!'

'Never mind another doctor -- I'm referring you to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.'

Doctor's profits match a patient's scar.

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'75% of our resources are taken up dealing with the aged and infirm...and that's just the staff!'

'That does it. . . Little Freddie is not going to law school! He's going to become an oncologist, Mary a gerontologist and Stevie a pharmacist! We'll be covered!'

Health Regime Change: No Fry Zone

'Yeah, I used to live with thousands of my friends in the kitchen of a restaurant, but for some reason, it was closed down...'

'In the absence of any meaningful arguments we'd like to shout a few hackneyed cliches!'

Still Stuck in Phase I of Meaningful Use...

"GPs morale is rock bottom...I think we should send them a postcard saying they're very nice!"

"Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body. . ."

'The DOH is targeting the problem of repeat prescriptions with some repeat proposals.'

'Intensive and or expensive care?'

Medical Group: Specializing In Treating The Insured.

'We need to make cuts...shall we start with the heart?'

New in fitness: Health club truancy officers.

'The health dept. takes a great leap forward.'